There are themes that are “large ones,” and for most people are quite significant. I’d like to suggest that you begin by exploring these key themes, and work toward understanding two things:
first, your opinion regarding the living out of the topic, and
second, finding a positive way to describe your partner’s complementary stance, by reviewing what you haven’t gotten in other relationships.
At the very least, you will want to cover the following topics: (these are not in any particular order)
As I have described it above, vocation is my language for the person’s raison d’être; their life purpose, or understanding or reason for being. Given your own understanding of how you function in the world, how do you see the person you are seeking “being” in the world? What will drive him or her—motivate him or her? What is his or her “passion?”
I want to be clear here, so let me spell out a common way vocation gets in the way. I will set it up using a familiar 50s stereotype that still exists today. Dad decides to be a successful executive. His goal is to rise high and make money. Mom wants a close-knit family. Now, clearly, much of the tension would go away if the man and woman focused either on career and money or on quality family time. You simply cannot have both; either individually or especially in a relationship where one person wants one, and the other wants the other.
Now, where this really goes off the rails is when the couple refuses to see that they have a vocational difference, and instead fight about “whether Fred is being a good dad.”
Fred thinks, “Boy! Look at all the money I am bringing in. Our quality of life (the stuff we have) is much higher than when I was growing up. My wife and kids have every advantage. Am I ever a good dad!”
Wilma thinks, “What a lousy dad Fred is! He is never home, the kids barely know him, and he wants from me is the occasional roll in the hay. When is he going to realize we want him, not his money?”
Good dad? Bad dad? Irrelevant, as both positions are “right”—from each individual’s perspective. The question not being addressed is: what is the vocational force driving Fred?
See how important this one answer is?
This issue is crucial. What is the person’s order of priorities? In a sense, we just addressed it in the Fred & Wilma example, as vocation leads to a certain order of priorities or precedence.
Here are a few examples of how one might prioritize their lives—in other words, the order of focus or attention they pay to their existence:
Fred: work, making money/investments, clubs, and friendships that can build the first two, kids, “down-time,” Wilma, relationship.
Wilma: kids, relationship, house, family directed activities, Fred.
Remember my client who was math-challenged and kept thinking he could give 110 percent? (pg.32)
His order of priorities would be: work, team, charities, family, and wife.
Mine would be:
Self-knowledge, relationship with Dar, vocation,
intimate friends, and family.
This is the time for brutal honesty. Do not be politically correct here put first what you think should be first. Be brave and actually put things down in the order that is true for you. And, in opposition to the first three examples, above, please remember to include you on the list. Sadly, most people, if honest, will put themselves close to or dead last. P.S. Needless to say, I think my list, above, is perfect! J—and I’ll be attempting to convince you of the same. Stay tuned!
