Author: (Wayne C. Allen)
Back in 1999, I wrote a booklet called "The List of 50," a guide on how to find your life partner. Part of a series of free booklets on aspects of relationships, "The List" was a guide to deciding whom you want to be in relationship with, and then putting what you decide into action.
My clients, since then, have asked me to expand upon this concept of conscious dating. So, I completely re-wrote the booklet into a 140 page book. In addition to revising the structure and contents of the booklet, I have included comments from readers, as well as sample Lists of 50.
You may not recall, but I met you once a couple of years ago while attending a session with [a client of yours who is a friend of mine] as a quiet witness of your Bodywork. It was quite an intense session, and I was very honoured that she asked me to attend and that you didn't mind my presence. One activity she has shared with me is the infamous List of 50 . This act of positively exploring my needs and desires was very rewarding. I have shared this idea with many of my friends and family, with many positive results and constructive conversations.
Not surprisingly, this List was a key component in discovering that the person I wished to share my life with was in fact a very close friend of mine. He too completed the assignments, and through some soul searching we realized that we were looking for each other. Though neither of us had considered the act of marriage before, the idea of creating a symbolic union naturally appealed to us.
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Rather than hoping to find the right partner in life through luck or random chance, Find Your Perfect Partner shows you the self-responsible, pro-active approach that leads to solid results. There are plenty of good psychological insights for men or women here, whether you're looking to start a new relationship or not, but its real strength, to me, seems to be in helping a person figure out exactly what they do want in a partner and getting past the internal filters that continually set them up with the wrong partner. It's another gem by Wayne.
~ Dennis "Boogie Jack" Gaskill
I'm pleasing myself over the fact that you are writing a book based on the List of 50. I find it ironic actually because the timing is rather impeccable. I finally, after 6 long months of emotional and physical celibacy decided to re-write my list. This time I did a good job, not a half assed job as I was so used to doing in the past. I really used the tools in the book; I examined my old patterns, past relationships and myself and came up with my true List of 50.
At the time I re-wrote it I was going through something with an old friend. As soon as I severed the negative relationship I allowed myself to find the man that fit my list 100 percent. I actually showed him the list and he laughed and said "You wrote this after you met me didn’t you?" I hadn't, as a matter of fact I had written it about 4 weeks earlier. He and I have spent the summer together getting to know one another and each other’s children and we are enjoying all that goes along with it.
I have also been using tools from building long and lasting relationships and I am finding that they are truly helping me to not go back to old patterns. I am honest with him and with myself and I rarely give anyone other than myself the power to make me feel anyway. I find this one different in the sense that I have built my own security and I no longer feel a need for urgency. I am not rushing things and still enjoy time on my own. Whenever I see myself slipping into my old patterns I simply stand back and observe without judgment and correct where I am with self awareness and of course breath.
When I showed my List of 50 to one friend he commented, "Do you have a short list that us mere mortals could aspire to?" My answer was, "I had a short list and it got me my ex-husband. I'm being more particular now."
Does anyone fit my list? Well, I have "tried" a relationship with one man that almost fits my list but a few of the very important points were not met (high energy, engaging fully in life being the most important). Having the list made it very clear. He remains a very, very close friend so that's a good thing.
I have "reunited" with a fellow I went out with some 32 years ago who has potential for fitting my list. I say potential because it will take time to know. We live in different provinces, which is a difficulty, of course, but seem to be beginning to explore the possibility of relationship over the phone for now. (By the way, I've suggested he read the booklet and write out his own list. I'm kind of hoping he'll notice I fit his. Might not work that way but I'm willing to take a chance.)
This latter connection, made after I had written my list, has me thinking that it really is possible that someone out there could fit it. so that alone has been beneficial.
A final thought. As I re-read my list (not quite daily but frequently) it is clear to me that besides the qualities that are specific to another—height, profession, etc.) the qualities I want in a man are the qualities I work towards for myself. That is, being a person of integrity, caring, committed to my psychological and physical health and development. It was interesting to note that. Not surprising, just interesting.
I want to give you an update on the effects of my List of 50. I very much was wanting a relationship in the spring and summer and, after writing out my list, read it often and gave it to a number of friends, both as a "giving it away" and as a request for fixing up.
I was also aware that I really did need time alone to get deeper into my own Being, to learn to feel not just comfortable but happy with being alone. This fall, although there was still a part of me wanting relationship, I clearly accepted and decided I more wanted to be alone, for the present at any rate. My life is full and I have plans to be away next year on sabbatical. A conscious relationship takes time and effort and I was happy to work on my self alone.
Well, as we know, giving something away seems to be the major ingredient in receiving. Three weeks ago I met the cousin of my friend and within 3 conversations we both knew this was for life. Timing was excellent as we both had holidays and spent a week together. The knowing only increased. He matches 49 out of my list of 50! (And I already have a good car mechanic so I can easily give that up.)
Loving has never been so easy, so sacred, so healing. Thank you.